It's Over, I Can't Believe It's Over

Harry Potter is over, how can that be? How can she have done this to us? I know I am a stupid, silly Harry Potter fan but I have watched every single one of these movies and loved every second of it. 

The happiness of hearing my kids remind me that it's coming out soon and I better get to the movie store before it opens just so I can grab a copy. Telling them they were all out only to pull it out of my bag and see the looks of excitement on their faces. Popping the pop corn and drinking soda. Getting all piled on the couch, turning off the lights and watching the movie.

I have watched the last 3 movies alone as the kids are with their dad but it is not really the same. Yes I get all hyped up but there is no pop corn and soda. No cuddles on the couch, just me and sometimes Tyler. He's not a good one to watch them with cause he's not to in to them LOL

I just watched the last movie tonight and I have to say I am sad, sad that in the future regardless of what happens there will be no more pop corn and soda. No more cuddles on the couch and no experiencing the movie for the first time together.

I am also devastated that it is over, Harry Potter is no more and that is sad to me. The movie became such a big part of my life and I am sad to see it end. I watched those kids grow up on the screen and grow as their characters and it's sad to know that it is no more.

I sat here crying as I watched the last movie, it was sad to me. All the death and pain that was emoted out on the screen. All the stuff that came together and fell in to place. It was like the last piece of the jig saw puzzle, everything is now understood and it all makes sense. 

I am sad to see it all go, I wanted it to last forever so that maybe, one day I could experience the pop corn, soda and cuddles from the kids again...

Agggg Migraines

Why me?, that was what I thought the first time I had a migraine. Why the hell me? Why was I chosen to deal with this debilitating pain? Why do I have to suffer? 

It all started for me when I was 7 years old. I was on the play ground and a class mate kicked a red rubber ball and hit me in the ear. The next day I had my first migraine, it lasted a few days. A few day's of throwing up, having the shakes and feeling like my head was splitting in two. It took a long while for my mom to even take me to the Doctors because she just did not go that route with us kids.

By the time she realized that they were pretty bad headache's and that regular pain meds were not going to get rid of them I spend a lot of time in the emergency room. I would cry rolled up in a ball on a waiting room chair waiting for them to do something, anything to make the pain go away. I was given med after med and nothing worked. 

I was finally sent to a primary Doctor that ordered a bunches of tests. Blood draws every week to see if there were any change, MRI's with and with out contrast, CT Scans, X-Rays. Everything came back normal and they could not find anything wrong with me. They all thought I was faking it cause none of the medication's worked to knock it out. 

I spend so much time in my room banging my head against the wall because it dulled the pain for just a bit, that little tap each second took the pain away and it was all I could do to keep me from slamming my head through the wall. I was at the end of my rope. Finally one night I had a really bad one, my mom did the usual, took me to the ER. I was thinking I would go through the same routine, ice pack, quite room and a blood draw but it was different this time.

I was given a nurse that also had migraines, she told me all about her experiences and calmed me down a bit. We told her that nothing worked so far and that the Doctors would not take me seriously. She said she knew just what to give me. She took it also cause she had tried everything too. It was a new drug, a new drug for migraines but it was used for heart patients. It was called Imitrex.

She came back with a shot and with in minutes of taking it the pain was gone, I mean this pain that had been with me for almost 3 years solid was gone. You see my mom smoked in the house around me, she wore heavy perfume around me and this was all triggering it for me. I had lived with this constant pain in my head for so long it had been years since it was gone. 

I started to cry while she sat with me telling me that my chest may start to feel a bit tight and that my head would feel heavy. She asked me if I was ok and I told her they were tears of joy and I hugged her. I hugged the nurse in the hospital room cause everyone else I had seen had treated me like I was lying and she had known just what to do for me.

I am writing about this tonight cause last night I had a migraine and had no meds. I laid here in so much pain and thought back on what it was like before I had the meds to knock out the pain. What it was like to try to do anything with that constant pain in my head. I still can't believe that I saw all those Doctors but it took one Nurse to fix it all for me. I wish I knew her name and had a way to tell her how much she changed my life with one little shot of medicine.

To The Doctors I Go

Well today was a big day for me, I finally decided that I needed to bite the bullet and just go to the Dr's and get some help with my anxiety and panic attacks. This is a big thing for me, I don't want to be dependent on anything and I am a bit embarrassed that it has come this far but really I guess the embarrassing thing would have been to deal with it and let it get the best of me.

I am Bi Polar and I have always had issues with that but I can regulate it and have not had an extreme high or low in years. I tend to know what I need to do to keep it in check and I feel like I am doing a great job with it. I took meds as a teenager to keep me on track but after I got pregnant with Emma I stopped taking them and have been fine since. 

Now I have extreme issues with my Thyroid (whole other blog post) and my Dr seems to think that maybe this is what is causing the panic attacks. Now I have always had these but not as often and not as bad. The last few months they have gotten out of hand for me. I finally got to the point that I asked Tyler to make me a drink cause I could not deal with it anymore and needed a way to relax. That is when I finally admitted that I needed some help and I made the appointment the next day. In no way do I want to be dependent on alcohol because that is not going to fix this.

So today was my appointment, I was a bit worried about talking to my Dr about this but I figured I had to do something. He was really nice and we talked about the best treatment plan for me. I told him about my worries of getting addicted to some kind of pills and he explained the best one's for me to take so that does not happen. He ordered an EKG to be sure that I am not having heart problems and that was clear so he went ahead and prescribed some meds for me. He is starting me off low with Paxil 10mg as a daily med taken once a day and Ativan 0.5mg and that is a rescue med to be taken at the start of an attack.

So far so good, I have taken one Paxil and have felt no side effects. I am a bit worried about the Ativan because the side effects are a bit scary but I think it will be ok. I guess time will tell on if these meds will work and if they don't we can always try something else but I feel like I have taken a step in the write direction. The way I look at it, it can only go up from here.

So It's Back To Cloth For Us

So as broke as we are we have gone back to cloth diapering our little one's. I am a bit overwhelmed but I am ok with it. The whole reason we stopped in the first place was because of the ammonia rashes that just would not go away and the barn yard stink. I love cloth, I love everything about it, it just does not love my baby's bottoms.

I have now pulled everything out of the closet and stripped everything, I made a ghetto clothes line in the back yard (pictured above) and now I am trying to sun any nasty out of them. I think I am going to try a wet pail in the kids room for after I spray them down in the bathroom and I am going to try a new wash routine. 

Normally I do a HOT wash with no soap, a HOT wash with soap and two cold water washes for the rinse. I was also using Liquid Tide and white vinegar. I am now going to try using Purex for soap, a cold wash with no soap, a HOT wash with soap and one cold wash. I don't know if it will work but I can try. I really want this to work because we just can't afford diapers anymore and I really want to start using my cloth again.

So wish us luck in our cloth diapering journey and hopefully it will all work out, if not I am sure you all will hear more about it as time goes on. I may even have questions for you cloth diapering mama's out there.

Money, Money, Money, Money.....Money....

So why can't money grow on trees? It would sure take care of a lot of issues these days. Homelessness, hunger, being able to see a doctor, dentist or a psychologist when you need to, no foreclosure's and no bills being swept under the rug in hopes that they will just go away.  

I hate pay day cause I look at my poor husband, he works his ass off every day. He's up at 3am every morning to be to work at 4am, he get's off at 12pm and goes to bed by 8pm. This is a normal thing for him till he get's to his day's off, Sunday and Monday. He does not get much rest those day's and he has a hard time doing much cause he's wired in to his sleep schedule. He is beat and it shows in his additude and his looks.

Today he got his paycheck, he works for a little over mim wage and his hours have been falling. I watched him rush to find the money just to pay our bills. We paid the balance left on our rent and our phone bill. He had to beg his grandpa for money to pay the car insurance or it would have been cut off. He also had to get an advance just to have the money to pay the rent. We had $40 left over and put $20 in the gas tank and bought $18 worth off grocery's, we have $2 left for the rest of the pay period. We were not able to buy diapers or wipes, soap or toilette paper. Our children and going back in to cloth diapers and we hope that the rashes stay away.

It seems we can never get ahead, when we think we have dug ourselves out of the hole it starts all over again. We don't get any help from the government as they say we make to much but we do get food stamps. With out those, I hate to say we would not eat. I just hate to see this cause next pay day it will be the same but to top it off we will have to pay grandpa back and then pay the advance back. 

I wonder if it will ever get better? I mean it can't be like this forever, right?